What is it about fitting in that makes it such a life chore? Why is it a necessity? Is the failure to “fit in” some type of Darwinism effect? Maybe it is possible that only so many types of people can fit in one societal group, culture, or subculture. Trying to fit in or assimilate with everyone else is stressful to say the least, to be a person who struggles their whole life to find validation. To find acceptance.
I am growing weary of this self-validation process. I am at a point in my life where I actually have a window of opportunity (albeit short) to do whatever it is I want to do with my life. This is where my dream is supposed to hit the road running. However, I find that some of my dreams are as intangible as they are evasive and I am frustrated with that.
What is the point? I cry to God. Why did you make my want things and desire dreams if I can’t bring them to fruition? I’m tired of being a dreamer. I want to be an achiever.
What good is writing if I cant express my own thoughts?
What good is to do what I spent almost 15 years doing as a career when it paralyzes my creativity – my soul?
I don’t know what to do about it other than keep this knotted tangle of anxiety embedded inside of me until it can be released.
I try so hard to fit in and it is making me worse. I don’t want to alienate myself from the rest of the world but it seems that is when I am most at peace. It is rather unrealistic. Especially now because I have evolved my world around a somewhat carbon copy remake of the real me.
But with the dreams and aspirations I have of being successfully creative and innovative in my own right, I think these are suffocating me. I can’t help but feel the pressure of opening myself to specific people to channel it through. It’s hard and I don’t know how to do it.
And there lies my problem.